The Loud House - Brawl in the Family (Genderbent Style)

Script
''[The episode begins with Linka whistling as he goes to the couch, but the living room is empty. Then, She walks over to the kitchen, only to find out that Luke is blocking the entrance.]'' Luke: Sorry bro, kitchen's off limits. Loki's in there cooling off. She and Leni had a major throwdown. Linka: Yeah, sad story. But I'm hungry. Levi: [As Linka was about to walk into the kitchen.] Fear not, female sibling. You should be able to satiate your appetite by forging under the couch cushions. [holds out the bagel] See what I scored? Linka: Ooh, an everything bagel. [eats the bagel] Levi: [takes the bagel from Linka] Mmm...correction, a plain bagel with lint, dog hair, [gasps] Gadzooks! Is that a booger? [Linka, horrified and disgusted at what he just ate, runs to the bathroom to throw up.] Linka: [To Leif] Do not eat the couch bagel. Leif: Sorry, bathroom's off limits. Loni is in there cooling off from the fight. [hand Linka a bucket.] Here, use this. Linka: A bucket? [gulps] Leif: Don't knock it till you try it. [Linka gives a look of discontent.]

''[In the living room, Lexx, Lynn and Lars are reading. Linka enters the room with a bowl of popcorn and wearing monster truck fan attire. Linka is about to take the remote. His brothers, after staring at him, beat him up then continue reading.]'' Lynn: Sorry, TV's off limits. Linka: [annoyed] Aw, come on! Why? Lexx: Loki and Loni are on edge. You watching a Monster Truck Rally is not going to help them. Linka: This is ridiculous! What are they even fighting about? ''[Flashback: The sisters (except Loki and Loni) are sitting on the couch, doing their usual things. Loki enters the room.]'' Loki: Guys! Guys! Guys! [pulls out his dress] Check out this shirt I found at the mall. It's literally one of a kind. [squeals] Loki's brothers: Oooohh... Loni: [enters the room with his dress] O-M-Gosh, you guys! Look at this dress I found at the mall! [The brothers gasp due to Loki and Loni having the same dress.] Loni: [walks up to Loki] Ooohh...when did we put a mirror in the living room? Loki: That's not a mirror, that's me! Now go take your dress back! Loni: What? No! You take yours back! ''[The two growl at each other as their other brothers whistle and head upstairs. End flashback.]'' Loki: That's it? You gotta be kidding me! Claire and I wear the same dress on picture day, and we didn't care. ''[flashback to where he and Claire wear the same dress on a school picture day. End flashback.]'' Lars: It's a brother thing. You wouldn't understand. Linka: Well, let's go help them work it out. So we can have our house back. [Lynn stops him with her hockey stick.] Oof! Lynn: Negative. In this family, we have a sister fight protocol. Butt out, and let them resolve it on their own. Linka: [walks to Loki and Loni's room] Yeah? Well I have a protocol, too! Which is I don't like pooping in a bucket! ''[knocks on Loki and Loni's bedroom door and opens the door as he walks in. He sighs.]'' Hey guys. Now look, I know you've been having a little problem. Loki: Linka. Linka: But I think I can settle this. Loni: Linka. Linka: Loni, why don't you just return the dress? Loki once said blue makes you look washed out anyway. Loni: [to Loki] Wait, what?! Linka: Okay, okay. I'm just spitballing here. Lori, why don't you return the dress? Leni says taffeta makes you look like Aunt Ruth. And who wants that? Am I right? [Loki gasps] Loki: [to Loni] Excuse me?! Linka: So what do you say? Ready to hug it out? Loki: We already hugged it out! We were fine! But now that I know that he thinks I look like Aunt Ruth, WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT FINE!!!!! Loni: You insulted my skin tone! Nothing's gonna make that right! ''[He and Loki argue at each other. Linka looks scared as She gets out of their room, and shuts the door. Just then, the other brothers were angry at him for making the fight worse. Linka falls.]'' Lynn: Ugh, nice job Linka! We told you to stay out of it! Levi: Based on rising decibel levels, I'm up in the threat level in the house from thunderstorm to hissing cats. Brothers, to your stations! Linka: Uh, what's going on? Lexx: Let us handle it.

''[The next scene, Linka is in her room reading a manga. Luke and Lane enter the room, which scares Linka.]'' Luke: Scram, dude. We need your room. Linka: What? Why? Lane: Loki's approaching the sector, and we can't risk a run-in with Loni. [Luke pushes Linka out of his room as walks back in, as Lane pushes Loni in there.] Luke: Coast is clear, brah. Lars: Copy that. [allows Loki to go upstairs] You may proceed. ''[Loki walks upstairs to her bedroom. Luke gets out of Linka's room, and Lane pushes Loni out. Loki gets out of his room while texting on her phone.]'' Lars: [voice] Abort, abort. Loni is headed back up. [Luke and Lane pushes Loki into Linka's room.] Loki: Ah! Linka: [As Luke and Lane enter the room with Loki.] Ah! Lane: Linka, make like a drum and beat it! [chuckles] Get it? But seriously, out. ''[Linka is kicked out of her room. Loni walks back upstairs and goes to his room as He slams the door.]'' Linka: [sighs] [Later that night, it is dinner time.] Lynn Sr.: ...And then Mort realized he was drinking regular, not decaf! [starts laughing] Loki: [Rises up from her chair] Dinner was delicious, Mom. Rita: Thanks, sweetie! [Loki walks out of the dining room.] Linka: Yeah, thanks, Mom. I am stuffed. Rita: Well, I hope you saved room for dinner. Linka: [confused] Wait, what? Lynn Sr.: Sister fight protocol. Lori and Leni dine separately. Rita: And we have to eat with them both. So they don't think we're taking sides. [In the next scene, they dine with Leni.] Lynn Sr.: And then Mort realized he was drinking regular, not decaf! [laughs] Loni: [laughs as well]

''[Linka walks to his bedroom, until She realizes that his sheets and blanket are missing. She walks out of his bedroom. Leif whistles while He walks out of the bathroom with her plunger.]'' Linka: Hey, what gives? What happened to my sheets and blanket? Leif: Brother fight protocol. We used them to make a divider in Loki and Loni's room. Linka: Well, what am I supposed to sleep under? [Leif shoves him to his room.] Leif: Try this. [Dumps all the dirty laundry clothes on Linka and laughs.] Linka: [Fed up] Alright, that's it! Leif: Linka, what are you doing? [knocks on every door for every brother younger than Loki and Loni.] Guys, we have a situation. ''[Linka angrily walks into Loki and Loni's room and takes down the divider. Loki and Loni gasp while the others watch.]'' Linka: I'm done with this! You guys and your stupid fight have ruined the whole day! It's time to get over it and make up! Lane: Linka, this has to run its course. Brother fight protocol. Linka: Forget sister fight protocol! Loni: Well, I'm not sleeping in here with her! Loki: I'm not sleeping in here with her, either! Linka: Fine! Luke, you sleep in here tonight, Loni sleeps in your room. Loni: Works for me! Loki: Me too! [Loni grabs his pillow to sleep in Luka and Lane's room.] Luke: You're playing with fire, bro! [The other brothers all talk at once in agreement.] Linka: Listen. By tomorrow, Loki and Loni will have cooled off, and you'll be thanking me! [She whistles, as Leon judges him for his idea.]

[The next day, Linka wakes up.] Linka: Hmmm, peaceful. Sounds like good ol' Linka saved the day. Lane: [voice] Just admit you're wrong! Luke: [voice] You're wrong, dude! Linka: Or not. [sighs] Wait a minute, that didn't sound like Loki and Loni. [sees Luke and Lane arguing.] Luke: Loki had the shirt first! He told me the whole story last night! Lane: Well, Loni told me his side, and he clearly had the t-shirt first! Luke: Ha! That's funnier than most of your lame jokes! Lane: Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you! I've gone partially deaf from your horrible guitar playing! Linka: Guys, guys. ''[Luke and Lane growl at him. Loki, Lynn, Levi, Loni, Leif, and Lars have got out of their rooms.]'' Lynn: [on a megaphone]BROTHER FIGHT PROTOCOL! DIVIDE AND ISOLATE! [Lexx is on his army jeep car, in which he gets Luke on.] Lexx: You're paying for new shocks, Linka! Leif: [Grabs Lane with his rope, and pulls her to Linka's room as he holds Linka by his collared dress, getting ready to pummel him.] This room is now off limits! [Shuts the door, and the off limits sign is on the doorknob.] Linka: Come on! Why is it always my room? Levi: Congratulations, elder sister. Thanks to you, the threat level is now a stampeding T-Rex. Lynn Sr.: Stampeding T-Rex?! [screams and boards up the door to his bedroom.] Alright, we'll storm out in here. Rita: [puts Lily down on the drawer.] Did you remember the bucket? Lynn Sr.: Dang it! Levi: [Is bringing Loki into the bathroom.] Commencing T-Rex protocol. I've got Big L, and we're on the move. Lars: [coming out of Luke and Lane's room with Loni.] Roger that. Leif: [With Lane] We're headed for the red zone. Lexx: [With Luke] Copy that, we're headed for the green zone. [Both parties are unknowingly heading into each other's paths, and end up bumping into each other, with Luke and Lane snarling at each other.] Leif: Lexx, what are you doing? This is the red zone. The door is red. Lexx: Uh, hello! The carpet is green. ''[Now the twins are also arguing, as the four of them argue, as Linka, holding a bowl of cereal, walks into the room, but immediately backs away. Bebe is coming by to deliver pizza, and immediately rushes to the parents' bedroom window, and knocks.]'' Bebe: Here you go, Mrs. Loud. Rita: [pays and tips him] Thanks Bebe. Just the large pepperoni for us, you can deliver the rest to the front door. Bebe: Do I have to? Loki told me the threat level is at Stampeding T-Rex. [Lynn Sr. comes and bumps Rita off screen.] Lynn Sr.: Just ring the doorbell and run. [closes the window, and pulls down the curtains.] Bebe: Ohhh! Good call, Mr. L. [Bebe dashes off screen with the rest of the pizzas to deliver them.] Lars: Okay, first seating will be Leni, Luan, and Lana. Levi: [Off screen] Roger! Copy that. [Lars walks into the dining room, only to find Lynn slacking off while eating pizza.] Lars: Gasp! What are you doing? You're supposed to be watching Loki, Luke, and Lexx. Lynn: Can't I have a break? I've been working for nine hours. Lars: So have I, and you don't see me complaining. Lynn: Oh yeah, cause you're always such a ray of sunshine. Lars: At least I don't smell like crusty athletic socks. Lynn: Please! Like Eau De Death is better. [Levi walks into the dining room with Loni, Lane, and Leif, as Lars and Lynn begin to argue.] Levi: Oh, man. Here we go. We are now at Erupting Volcano, people. Leif: ENOUGH WITH YOUR DUMB CHART!!! [Grabs the chart from Levi, and takes a big bite out of it.] Levi: How would you like to eat that hat?! [The rest of the brothers enter the scene, and all of them are arguing now, which ends up with them fighting.] Linka: Hey guys. ''[As She walks into the room, but is shocked to see his brothers are now fighting. She quietly walks under the sink, and calls Claire on his walkie-talkie.]'' Claire, come in! Claire: Hey Linka, what's up? Linka: Is your trundle bed available? Claire: Is it for you, or Loki? Linka: For me, Claire! Duh! Sorry buddy, I'm a little stressed. We're at Erupting Volcano over here. Claire: Say no more. [Cuts to later that evening with Linka over at Claire's house.] Linka: And the next thing I know, they're all fighting. Claire: Interesting, and how did that make you feel? Linka: Claire, what are you doing? [Linka turns around to see that Claire is sitting there like a therapist.] Claire: When I take my problems to Dr. Lopez, this is how she helps me. Linka: Okay, okay! Anyway, I feel frustrated. Their ridiculous brother fight protocol only makes things worse. If they'd just let me help them, I can fix everything. Claire: I see. So what do you plan to do? Linka: I'm gonna march back in there tomorrow, and talk some sense into those boys. Claire: That seems sensible. [His watch begins to beep.] Hmm, I see our time is up. Linka: What?! Can't I stay over? Claire: Oh! I'm sorry. I'm so used to hearing Dr. Lopez say that.

[The next day, Linka returns home and backs up behind the van.] Linka: Okay. [takes a deep breath] Here goes. [into a megaphone] ATTENTION, LOUD BROTHERS! I AM HERE TO RESOLVE YOUR CONFLICTS! PLEASE REMAIN CALM! I AM COMING IN! ''[He holds up a trash can lid as a shield, inches toward the door, and opens the door, prepared for the worst. But when She enters, She sees that the boys are all calm and not fighting anymore.]'' Linka: [confused] What's going on? What happened to the fighting? Loki: Pfft. We're over that. We made up. Linka: All of you? Levi: Correct. Threat level is back to Field of Daisies. Lynn Sr.: [still in his room] Oh, thank goodness! Linka: I don't understand. How did you fix everything? Levi: No, Linka. You fixed everything. Linka: Me? How? Levi: By leaving. Lane: We told you, if you just butted out, we'd resolve it on our own. Linka: But the dress? Loni: I came up with the perfect solution. Loki gets to wear it on the days that end in "Y", and I get to wear it the rest of the time. [Linka looks at Loki who shrugs being just as confused as him.] Lynn: And once they made up, the rest of us made up. Linka: Heh. Well, I guess I've learned my lesson: always respect the brother fight protocol. Leif: Glad you're finally getting it. Linka: Oh, I totally do, believe me. Next time when Lynn says she needs a windshield wiper when Levi talks, or Leif says Lexx snores like Ma-Ma, I am staying out of it. [Those insults he heard suddenly spark a new feud.] Levi: [furiously at Lynn] You said what now, SPORTY?! [spitting on her due to her lisp.] Lexx: [lividly to Leif] Oh, I snore, do I? HOW CAN YOU HEAR ME OVER ALL YOUR SLEEP-FARTING?! [Lynn Sr. is coming out of his room with the bucket and used-up toilet paper.] Lynn Sr.: Phew. Can't wait to use the real toilet. [The boys all start bickering and then gets into a violent melee over what they said about each other that Linka accidentally revealed.] Lynn Sr: AAAHH!!! RETREAT!!! RETREAT!!! [shuts himself back in his room.] Linka: WAIT FOR ME!!! [runs in to join his parents.] [The brother's fight gets so intense that it starts shaking the entire vicinity of the household.]